Category Archives: communication

Love and Connection in a Time of Loss

Are you willing to receive kindness from others in difficult times?

Do you have friends you can laugh with in the midst of despair?

Is it okay to feel joy during the grieving process?

We’ve all experienced loss in some shape or form. It could be the loss of a dream job, a friend moving away, a health crisis, or a change in lifestyle that you didn’t plan for.

The death of a loved one is a very painful experience. It’s hard to even say the word “death” in this context. The end of a life is so final, so permanent, and so irreversible. We call it a loss to soften the blow, to help ourselves or the other person feel better.

The pain of such a loss – when experienced fully instead of being buried with busyness and distractions – is life-changing. It causes you to reflect on your life, the relationships you have, and the contributions you make.

In episode 38 of The Incrementalist, you will learn:

1) To find meaning in loss, you have to feel the emotions and allow them to just wash over you.

2) It’s okay to be not as productive, not as focused, and to drop some obligations and commitments – at least for the time being.

3) Some of the things I’m doing (or not doing) during my own grieving process.

4) Scaling back to prioritize the essentials doesn’t mean you stop brainstorming ideas, making progress, producing things or sharing your creative output.

5) Sharing is a way to connect with others and to build human connections.

6) In the midst of deep despair, you can also have true joy. You oscillate between the two. A memory can trigger mixed emotions – it can bring a smile to your face, or cause tears to fall.

“Tears fall for a reason and they are your strength not weakness.“

7) Your friends are there for you even when you’re not at your best or living the best version of yourself.

8) Through mindful accommodation, you can use the pain of loss to live more fully.

Resource cited:

  • Charlie Mackesy, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse

Music by:

To listen to episode 38, Love and Connection in a Time of Loss, click here. If you prefer to read the transcript, go here. Subscribe to The Incrementalist at Apple Podcasts or other apps.

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Dyan Williams is a solo lawyer who practices U.S. immigration law and legal ethics at Dyan Williams Law PLLC. She is also a productivity coach who helps working parents, lawyers, small business owners and other busy people turn their ideas into action, reduce overwhelm, and focus on what truly matters. She is the author of The Incrementalist: A Simple Productivity System to Create Big Results in Small Steps.

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How to Learn and Master Any Skill (part 2)

Do you resist learning outside of your element?

Are you presuming answers without really understanding the problem?   

Do you love to learn many things fast, but often skip over the fundamentals?  

When you’re acquiring and developing a new skill, you need to learn how to learn. Learning is a meta-skill for life and for sustaining peak performance. This continuation of a two-parts episode builds on the foundation principles covered in Episode 36.

In episode 37 of The Incrementalist, you will learn: 

7 more  takeaways to learn and master any skill

  • Keep a beginner’s mind – be like the child learning to crawl who is not concerned about how she looks or about whether she’s succeeding or failing.  
  • Invest in loss – give yourself to the learning process and be willing to lose and fail so you can win and succeed. 
  • Make smaller circles – emphasize depth over breadth; focus on the micro to understand the macro. 
  • Use adversity – take advantage of setbacks to hone new skills and move out of creative ruts. 
  • Slow down time – connect the unconscious and the conscious mind through chunking (create neural pathways, chunks, and navigation systems between the chunks).
  • Be fully present – pay attention to the learning process to increase clarity in high-stakes moments. 
  • Get in the zone – use the stress-recovery effect to achieve focus and flow states. 

Resources cited:

Music by:

To listen to episode 37, How to Learn and Master Any Skill (part 2), click here. If you prefer to read the transcript, go here. Subscribe to The Incrementalist at Apple Podcasts or other apps.

# # #

Dyan Williams is a solo lawyer who practices U.S. immigration law and legal ethics at Dyan Williams Law PLLC. She is also a productivity coach who helps working parents, lawyers, small business owners and other busy people turn their ideas into action, reduce overwhelm, and focus on what truly matters. She is the author of The Incrementalist: A Simple Productivity System to Create Big Results in Small Steps.

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How to Learn and Master Any Skill (part 1)

Is lack of skill holding you back from getting a desired result?

Do you believe your abilities are fixed or predetermined? 

Are you making the same mistakes over and over? 

When you’re learning and developing any skill, it’s better to have a growth mindset, than a fixed mindset. Talent and natural ability do matter. But your attitude towards failure and setbacks are more critical. 

There are two modes of learning theories: entity versus incremental theories of intelligence.  

Entity theorists think, “I am smart at this.” Success or failure is based on an ingrained ability. Intelligence or skill is a fixed entity.  Incremental theorists think, “I got it because I worked hard.” Success or failure depends on effort. Intelligence or skill can be developed.

In episode 36 of The Incrementalist, you will learn: 

1) The two modes of learning theories

  • Entity theorists have a fixed mindset
  • Incremental theorists have a growth mindset

2) 4 key takeaways to learn and master any skill

  • Decide whether you want to be decent, good, great or among the best – it’s okay to aim for decent, but if you want to be among the best, the stakes and standards will be higher. 
  • Stay true to yourself and to your style – in the pursuit of high performance, you keep in tune with your unique disposition. 
  • Maintain soft zones to increase concentration and overcome distraction – be at peace with an imperfect environment, and use it to your advantage.
  • Avoid the downward spiral – don’t repeat the same mistakes, whether technical or psychological. 

Resources cited:

Music by:

Dyan Williams

To listen to episode 36, How to Learn and Master Any Skill, click here. If you prefer to read the transcript, go here. Subscribe to The Incrementalist at Apple Podcasts or other apps.

# # #

Dyan Williams is a solo lawyer who practices U.S. immigration law and legal ethics at Dyan Williams Law PLLC. She is also a productivity coach who helps working parents, lawyers, small business owners and other busy people turn their ideas into action, reduce overwhelm, and focus on what truly matters. She is the author of The Incrementalist: A Simple Productivity System to Create Big Results in Small Steps.

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Create Space to Think (part 2)

Making space between activities can be done solo, without allies. But industry norms and workplace culture might pull you back into chronic busyness.

Norms are standards or principles of action that apply to a group. A culture is made up of norms. Effective leadership from the top reduces the burden on individuals who seek to have more margin in their day.

In episode 35 of The Incrementalist, you will learn:

1) Creating space solo, without allies, is doable. But it’s easier to sustain when you have support. Interactions with others and not just your own actions lead to positive change. 

2) To shift mindset, you start with yourself. Cut down on unnecessary meetings, stop interrupting others, and keep your emails clear and brief. Avoid being redundant without being harsh and cold. 

3) How to check and process emails

a) Four points to consider when it comes to emails:

  • Is it mandatory or optional?
  • Could you reduce the time spent on this message? 
  • Could you opt out or leave others out of the thread?
  • Is it better to stay out of the email inbox and focus on the real task?

b) Why you need to watch out for the email shadow (the dark cloud of distraction that takes you out of the present moment) 

c) When you may declare email bankruptcy (hit delete and start from a clean slate)

d) The yellow list allows you to capture ideas and information for another person and reduces interruptions brought by sporadic messages

4) How to avoid overuse of digital devices, which lead to absent presence

  • Delete the apps from your phone
  • Reduce the just checks
  • Do phone narration to let the other person know what you’re doing when you pick up your digital device

5) The skill of saying no by sandwiching it between two yeses or using the hourglass method

6) When assigning tasks or delegating projects, spotlight what’s most important. (The to-do list can be confusing and overwhelming.) 

7) The 50/50 Rule: “Anything that bothers you at work is 50% your responsibility until you’ve asked for what you want.” 

8) A four-step approach to express your truth with less stress: vent, empathize, prepare, share

9) The importance of selecting the right medium for the message you want to share

a) The two types of communication

  • 2D communication involves simple issues, yes/no answers. 
  • 3D communication is more nuanced and complex. They benefit from verbal cues, tone of voice and eye contact. 

b) The two types of mediums

  • A 2D medium is static, like email, Slack, and instant messages.
  • A 3D medium is live, like telephone, video and face to face meetings.

c)  A 2D message is efficient in a 2D medium and wastes time in a 3D medium. A 3D message is effective in a 3D medium, and compromises richness in a 2D medium. 

10)  In meetings, the three key questions to ask yourself before you say something are: Is it kind? Is it honest? Is it necessary? 

  • Just because something is kind and honest doesn’t mean it needs to be said.
  • Just because something needs to be said doesn’t mean it needs to be said by you.
  • Just because something needs to be said by you doesn’t mean it needs to be said now. 

11) How to find out if you’re in an SBH (Shouldn’t Be Here) situation and negotiate your way out of it

12) Fix the road, not the car. Isolated Interventions are quick, short-sighted fixes to complicated issues. 

13) As a change catalyst and leader, you speak the language of the person you seek to engage. 

  • Making judgments and using force and commands don’t sit well and is bound to spark underground sabotage and outright resistance.
  • Knowing how to talk with Finance Folks, People People, and Idea Lovers is key

14) Making space is not just for the workplace, but also sparks high joy and deep joy at home. 

  • High joy is an experience that makes you gasp; it comes from surprise, risk and exertion. 
  • Deep joy is an experience that reaches down into your body and warms you; it comes from friendship, gratitude, giving, and peace.

Resources cited:

Music by:

To listen to episode 35,  Create Space to Think (part 2), click here. If you prefer to read the transcript, go here. Subscribe to The Incrementalist at Apple Podcasts or other apps.

# # #

Dyan Williams is a solo lawyer who practices U.S. immigration law and legal ethics at Dyan Williams Law PLLC. She is also a productivity coach who helps working parents, lawyers, small business owners and other busy people turn their ideas into action, reduce overwhelm, and focus on what truly matters. She is the author of The Incrementalist: A Simple Productivity System to Create Big Results in Small Steps.

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Create Space to Think (part 1)

To do creative, high-leverage work, you need to step back and look at the big picture. But when there are fires to put out, demands to meet, and crises to solve, it’s hard to stop and think about what’s really important. 

When we zoom out though, we find that urgency doesn’t equal a true emergency.  Many of the things we did should have waited until another day, or maybe another week. Some required more thought before action. And maybe the problem would have resolved itself. 

We often confuse active busyness with true productivity, and favor the number of tasks over the value of tasks completed.

Take strategic pauses to avoid burning yourself out. A pause doesn’t have to be that long. 

In episode 34 of The Incrementalist, you will learn: 

1) There are four types of pauses

  • Recuperative
  • Reflective 
  • Constructive 
  • Reductive

2) White space is time without an assignment. It’s the free and open time on your calendar. Although it’s negative space, it still has a purpose and holds value. 

3) A wedge is bits of time between activities: between one meeting and the next, a request and a response, feedback and reply, an impulse and action, an idea and a plan, work and life, and want and get. With a wedge in the middle, you’re not jumping immediately from one thing to the next. 

4) Ten seconds is more than enough for a strategic pause

5) White space or a strategic pause is not the same as meditation, mind wandering or mindfulness

  • Meditation is like keeping your dog on the leash, and when it tries to pull away, you gently say, heal. 
  • Mind wandering is like your dog slipping out of the leash when you’re distracted. By the time you look up, your dog has run all the way across the other side of the park. 
  • Mindfulness is like your dog feeling the grass under his feet, listening to the birds chirping, and smelling the hot pretzel cart. It’s the closest to white space, but’s it’s different. 

6) Thieves of Time are overgrown assets that become risks

  • Drive becomes overdrive
  • Excellence becomes perfectionism
  • Informed becomes information overload
  • Activity becomes frenzy

7) Simplification questions to ask to disarm the thief

  • Overdrive: is there anything I can let go of?
  • Perfectionism: where is “good enough,” good enough?
  • Information overload: what do I truly need to know? 
  • Frenzy: What deserves my attention?

8) A task can be one of the following three: 

  • Not time sensitive – doesn’t deserve attention now
  • Tactically and strategically time sensitive – speedy or immediate action is important for good results
  • Emotionally time sensitive – desire or fear drives you do something or want to have something done even though there is no real urgency

9) Hallucinated Urgency is the Pavlovian pull to meet the expectation now. This builds the tendency to interrupt others to get our burning needs met while stealing time away from them. What goes around comes around. You get information overload and more interruptions when these become the norm.

10) How a strategic pause helps you to make a decision on what to do next

Resources cited:

Music by:

To listen to episode 34,  Create Space to Think, click here. If you prefer to read the transcript, go here. Subscribe to The Incrementalist at Apple Podcasts or other apps.

# # #

Dyan Williams is a solo lawyer who practices U.S. immigration law and legal ethics at Dyan Williams Law PLLC. She is also a productivity coach who helps working parents, lawyers, small business owners and other busy people turn their ideas into action, reduce overwhelm, and focus on what truly matters. She is the author of The Incrementalist: A Simple Productivity System to Create Big Results in Small Steps.

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